My 30s Dilemma: A Life Partner or a Life of My Own?
Shout-out to 'Sex and the City' for my latest epiphany.
As a kid, I watched Disney movies with the same tired plot: a distraught princess dreams of a prince, stumbles into trouble, and is ultimately saved by her one true love. I used to dream about that, too. Without realizing it, these narratives shaped my thinking, making me place men on pedestals while forgetting that I was the prize.
It wasn’t until I watched Frozen in college that I saw how harmful those old Disney classics could be. Released in 2013, Frozen marked a shift in pop culture. While it still centered on love, it prioritized sisterhood, reminding us that platonic relationships are just as important as romantic ones. It wasn’t Disney’s first major film about sisters — Lilo & Stitch (2002) came first — but it was the first where both sisters were old enough for romantic relationships and still chose themselves and each other. That distinction played a huge role in the film’s success and cultural impact.
I still love love. I devour romance in books and movies. But when it comes to my own life, I feel conflicted. Do I want a lifelong partner, or do I want a life that’s fully my own? I’ve realized I’d be happy with either outcome, and that’s a powerful place to be.
I knew I had changed when I stopped relating to Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw and started identifying with Samantha Jones. All my life, I had been a Carrie girl — after all, we’re both writers, we love fashion, and we dream of a love larger than life. Or at least, I used to. As I got older, I understood Carrie less, and no shade to her, but now, I’m kind of glad I outgrew her. We still have our similarities: I’m dramatic, I love my friends, and I, too, have chosen a magazine over food. But I would never let a man embarrass me and give him multiple chances.
Mr. Big wasn’t outright terrible in hindsight, but his avoidant attachment style only heightened Carrie’s anxious one. She spent most of the series stressing over him, trying to impress him, or trying to get over him. She was the ultimate pick-me girl. In truth, her insecurities were the real villain of the show.
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When Sex and the City aired from 1998 to 2004, Carrie was portrayed as a hopeless romantic. That narrative still held strong when the movies came out in 2008 and 2010. But by the 2020s, the cultural tide had shifted. Women were tired of centering men. We wanted to be the main characters in our own stories — where men were just side characters, if they appeared at all.
So naturally, when the Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That…, premiered in 2021, Big was gone by the first episode. The man Carrie spent years chasing — the one she forgave, even after he left her at the altar — was suddenly killed off, as if he had never really mattered. After decades of Sex and the City revolving around him, his abrupt exit mirrored a larger shift: men were no longer the center of the story or the universe.
And then there’s Samantha Jones. While she’s often labeled as the sexually adventurous one, I’d call her something else: a free spirit. I love Samantha because she’s unapologetic, self-assured, and never lets anyone dim her light. She’s also a fiercely loyal friend. I may still value tradition like Carrie and Charlotte York, but Samantha’s confidence and independence? That’s something I deeply admire.
“I love you, but I love me more.” — Samantha Jones, Sex and the City
The way I see it, to Samantha Jones, men are just a side dish. Depending on your mood, they may complement the meal, but they’re never the main course — and they can always be replaced with something more appetizing.
Samantha has had romantic relationships, but she always prioritizes the relationship she has with herself. And that, in turn, makes her even more attractive. She demands respect, she doesn’t tolerate nonsense, and she knows her worth. I can relate to that. And that kind of self-assurance is exactly why more women are choosing to be single these days.
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I can picture my life going in two ways: meeting the love of my life and starting a family or being the cool aunt who travels and lives a fun and interesting life. I go back and forth, but I’ve realized that whatever happens, I’ll make the best of it. I’ve seen people dwell on what they don’t have, and honestly, it just seems like a waste of time. Lately, I’ve been learning to embrace my fate.
I’m big on the Stoic principle amor fati, which translates to “love of one’s fate.” It’s a reminder that everything — both the good and the bad — happens for a reason. That doesn’t mean giving up on what you want, but it does mean finding peace in what is. Change what you can. Accept what you can’t. And learn to be happy regardless.
My upbringing helped shape my views on relationships. Two defining moments from my childhood stand out: the days my parents separately sat me down to tell me they were getting a divorce. I was weeks away from turning 12, but I was mature beyond my years. I cried, but I also thanked them and encouraged them to go through with the split. That’s how bad it was — I felt relieved.
The divorce was hard. I fell into a depression. Our family dynamic changed forever. But with time, I adjusted and healed, and my mom and I became the happiest we’d ever been. Watching my mother flourish after her divorce left a lasting impact on me. She showed me that it’s entirely possible to rebuild your life and be happy without a man. I’ve always admired her for that. Her strength made me stronger. And for that, I’m grateful.
Also read: Women’s Obsession With Luigi Mangione Highlights the Growing Disillusionment With Average Men
If I ever choose to settle down, he’ll be a man who applies pressure — someone who’s just as exceptional as I am. And if I ever decide to have children, it will be because I’d be proud to have a son just like him. Otherwise, it’s not worth it to me.
I’ve dated a lot, and have yet to encounter a man who wows me. And that’s why I refuse to settle, especially when I possess all the major qualities I want in a partner. I love myself and my own company so much that any man who enters my life won’t be competing with someone else — he’ll be competing with how good I make myself feel.
When it comes to having children, I often think of Eva Mendes’ famous quote about how her outlook changed after meeting Ryan Gosling. “[Kids were] the furthest thing from my mind,” she told Women’s Health in 2019. “Ryan Gosling happened. I mean, falling in love with him. Then it made sense for me to have … not kids, but his kids. It was very specific to him.”
Ryan shared a similar sentiment. “I mean, it’s true that I wasn’t thinking about kids before I met her, but after I met Eva, I realized that I just didn’t want to have kids without her,” he told GQ in 2023. “And there were moments on The Place Beyond the Pines where we were pretending to be a family, and I didn’t really want it to be pretend anymore. I realized that this would be a life I would be really lucky to have.”
Also read: When All Else Fails, Just Pour Into Yourself
That kind of love — the kind that makes you proud of your partner and shifts your entire perspective — is the only way I’d ever consider settling down and having a family.
So in the future, you might catch me happily in love with adorable kids, or you might find me jet-setting with my girlfriends. Either way, my life will be fabulous. ~
Thank you so much for reading. If you want to continue supporting my writing, please subscribe, like/comment, and share this article with others. <3 — Jenn
Great piece - very reassuring and realistic that we evolve as the times shift and that it's comforting to properly think about what you, the "I", want. I turned 30 last year and feel I am only finding myself now. New decade, new era, new opportunities.