We Should Stop Trying To Be Happy All the Time
And learn to sit with discomfort.
These days, I’m more in my thoughts than usual. I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a variety of reasons — challenges in my personal life, seasonal depression, the current state of the U.S. and the world, etc. But at the same time, I feel fine.
I’ve learned in recent years that it’s OK to have off-seasons. It’s OK to feel blah sometimes. It’s normal. And we shouldn’t force toxic positivity on ourselves or others. Instead, we should validate those feelings and remember that it’s healthy to feel your feelings so that you can effectively move on from them. It’s important to sit in discomfort — necessary even. Oftentimes, when people feel uncomfortable, they like to escape those feelings and sometimes use vices like alcohol, drugs, and toxic behaviors/distractions to cope, and that’s where it can become an issue. However, it’s possible to have healthy coping mechanisms. It’s about figuring out what works for you.
Whenever I’m in my feelings, I find solace in spending time alone. It’s how I recharge. I enjoy my own company so spending time by myself and diving into writing, music, and art always helps me feel better. It reminds me that no matter how unique we think our problems are millions of others at some point can relate.
After the results of the U.S. election earlier this month, like so many others across the nation, I felt sad and bummed. There’s just been so much negativity online, in person, everywhere, so when things like that happen, I like to self-regulate and find something that brings me joy like listening to music. This made me think back to the last time society felt somewhat normal, and the year 2014 came to mind. Of course, whenever we look back on an era, we sometimes can’t help but romanticize it. But I’m aware that on a personal level, 2014 was not an easy year for me. I was in college, and I was lost about what the fuck I was doing with my life. But just like now, I sought an escape in pop culture, and that made it better and more special. I’d listen to artists like The 1975, One Direction, and G-Eazy, and spend countless hours on Tumblr and attending concerts. I’m such a nostalgic person, so of course, I found happiness diving back into these interests.
Liam Payne’s tragic death last month had me fall into a One Direction rabbit hole. A few weeks ago, my best friends and I went to dinner and spent the whole night driving around listening to 1D, just like we used to when we were teenagers. It was therapeutic. This month, I revisited G-Eazy’s early albums and was reminded how much I loved his music … Well, still do. And it’s nice when something like that happens because I get to reconnect with my younger self, and I realize she’s still around. I think something that makes me sad is mourning past versions of myself — the girl who was always hopeful and had a spark no matter what and believed the world was a great place. With age and experience, sadly, I don’t feel that way as much anymore. But whenever I dive back into my old passions and interests, I realize that that young, hopeful girl still lives inside me. She’s just different, and that’s OK with me. Something else that helps me get by is acceptance. When it comes to any situation in life, it’s about finding a balance — trying to make positive changes but accepting what can’t be changed. And that’s how we can achieve peace with ourselves and others.
After revisiting G-Eazy’s early music, I began to listen to his latest album, Freak Show, which dropped in June. I liked it a lot and it made me think about how underrated he’s become. And it goes back to this idea about how everything in life is fleeting. He was on top of the world about a decade ago and now he’s not as mainstream, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make him less of a talented artist. However, some may disagree; we unfortunately live in a world that values popularity over anything else, creating pressure and impossible standards.
With the rise of social media, we’ve become detached from reality, affecting how we process things in our everyday lives. Everything is so momentary — the trends, the news cycle, the clout, and the popular celebs — it’s always changing. We move on to the next thing fast. I think to an extent, that plays a role in how we process our own emotions. The online world has created an element of instant gratification and immediacy that when it comes to having uncomfortable feelings, we want to rid ourselves of the discomfort fast, too. And that’s not normal. Healing takes intention and time. Patience is key.
Additionally, because emotions can alter how we process things, they can cloud our judgment and make it difficult to see the bigger picture when we’re experiencing a negative feeling. We want to always feel happy. When we’re going through something bad, we think it will last forever. But like Tom Hanks has famously said on several occasions, “This too shall pass.”
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There’s one particular song on G-Eazy’s new LP that stood out to me, and it’s probably my favorite from the album —“Backseat.” In it, he sings, “In the backseat/In New York, in the fall, in a taxi/You would look to your left and you asked me/’Is it possible to be happy?’/Through the chaos and the bruises you get on the way down/And I think I'm addicted to pain now.” To me, it’s a perfect depiction of how we perceive happiness. Even I can admit, I like being sad sometimes. Let me rephrase that. I don’t like being sad per se. But I enjoy the comfortableness I feel with that emotion, and that comfort can be addicting. When things are going a little too well, it scares me because subconsciously I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. And while that may be a trauma response, it’s also realistic. Because no matter what, things can never be too perfect. So I think it’s about learning to just roll with whatever life throws at you.
"Well, we're always thinking that someday we'll be happy. You know, we'll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that'll fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it's a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often." — Julian Baker, One Tree Hill
How do we accept discomfort? By consistently challenging ourselves. I like to reflect a lot and use my insight to grow as a person. Lately, I’ve been trying to give myself more grace and try new things I’m particularly not comfortable with because I’ve always felt that’s the only way to grow. I always tell people, “Oftentimes, if you’re scared, you’re doing something right.” So since I’ve been on my G-Eazy wave lately, I was dying to see him live. Lucky for me, he happens to be touring, so I spontaneously bought tickets last minute to attend his Brooklyn show, which was exactly a week ago.
It was my first solo concert, which was a big deal for me. I created a solo bucket list for myself — things I want to do alone — such as going to a concert, going to the movies, taking myself on a dinner date, and solo traveling somewhere. As much as I love spending time by myself, I still love community and often depend on friends or family when I want to go somewhere or do something because it’s comfortable. Unfortunately, it has sometimes held me back from doing certain things because sometimes people aren’t available or into the same things I am. That and how dangerous it can be for women to do things alone has gotten in the way of a lot, though that’s a whole other topic.
Anyway, I’m proud of myself for going to my first solo concert. It also gave me so much more confidence, which was a bonus. It was such a fun experience. I think I had more fun going alone than at some shows I’ve attended with others. I ended up meeting cool new people and just vibing. The G-Eazy concert was just what I needed. If you know me, you know concerts are my happy place. In the middle of the show, I looked around as the roaring crowd sang his lyrics back to him, and I just thought to myself, “Yeah, this is why I’m alive.”
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This week, I stumbled on a TikTok video that talks about how to heal and become your best self, and I couldn't agree more with the overall message. The Tiktok user @auuthentikate said, “When you can learn how to sit with your uncomfortable emotions and self-regulate, you can literally handle anything in this world … The root of every single fear and anxiety in this entire world is based on the fact that you are scared of the emotional experience that comes with the thing. You’re not scared of public speaking. You’re scared of feeling embarrassed. You’re scared of feeling shame. You’re scared of feeling judged.”
She went on to say that although self-regulation doesn't necessarily prevent problems from affecting us, it can help build a strong relationship with yourself. As a result, that makes it easier to trust yourself into believing you’re capable of handling any challenges that arise from any problem no matter how big or small. She also talks about how challenging yourself and trying new things that make you uncomfortable are the solutions. For more, watch the clip below.
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So, reader, I hope you take this as a sign to step out of your comfort zone.
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Thank you so much for reading. If you want to continue supporting my writing, please subscribe, like/comment, and share this article with others. <3 — Jenn
I've been feeling off and was unable to identify what's happening. This read was what I needed to hear, I dentify with so many parts of it. Its okay to sit with our emotions, and I am battling plenty at the moment.
Thanks for sharing!