This Is What’s Wrong With Modern Dating
According to two millennial women.
“Why does dating have to be so hard?” Every single woman has asked herself this question at some point, myself included.
Everything would be so much easier if people were direct and honest about their intentions. If people’s actions lined up with their words. If there were no games. If people knew what they wanted. If people didn’t have complicated pasts and traumas that altered the way they navigate relationships. If people sought professional help and worked on themselves. If people were more considerate. The list GOES ON. Men, women, and everything in between — we’re complex creatures. And unfortunately dating feels like a fucking game, and it’s exhausting. However, I’ve recently learned a little hack that has led me to trust myself more when dating.
In the last couple of months, my approach to dating has changed immensely, and for the first time in my life, I found an approach I feel good about. Basically, I’ve been pouring into myself instead of others. I’m open to dating and new experiences, but I’m no longer chasing anyone the way I sometimes did in my 20s (you live and you learn).
At this point in my life, I’ve put in so much work and healed from many things no one even knows about, and I’m fucking proud of the woman I am today. And I don’t mean for any of that to come off cocky. I just think it’s important for all of us to self-reflect and celebrate how far we’ve come. Anyway, for those reasons, I’m not settling for less. It took me years to get here. So now, I only want a man who will properly pursue me and earn me and I’m saying no to anything that isn’t that.
However, knowing your worth doesn’t mean that dating is easy. In many ways, it’s actually more difficult. I see this with my friends, too, whom I also consider to be high-quality women. When you’re someone who’s constantly working on yourself, your options become so much more limited because not everyone is willing to put in the same amount of work as you. But it’s OK, I still have enough delusion left in me, leading me to still be a hopeful romantic.
Like many millennial women, I’ve had so many crazy and bad dating experiences. But I refuse to let those make me bitter. Because at the end of the day, I believe in the law of attraction. If I start to think “men ain’t shit,” then that’s exactly what I’ll attract. So yes, even in a world full of fuckboys and creeps, I still believe there are some good guys out there whose morals and values align with mine.
Dating is a topic my friends and I talk about often. We share our thoughts and experiences. We reflect and give each other advice and constructive criticism and sometimes talk shit. It really is like an episode of Sex and the City, which is one of the many reasons I love being a woman. Sisterhood is everything to me. It’s sacred and it helps me get through life. So, for this particular blog post, I decided to share a bit of what those conversations relating to dating are like for women.
Meet my good and close friend Leah Collie. Leah, 29, and I, 30, met in September 2017 in NYC, when we were interns at Mashable, both on the web culture team. Leah and I were two of five interns on that team in which we all instantly clicked.
Over the years, Leah and I have bonded through collaboration on creative platforms. A couple of years ago, I was a guest on her podcast Pretty Please? and not too long after that, we co-launched a short-lived blog titled The JLC Method. Given our creative history and tight friendship, Leah felt like the ideal person for me to feature on this specific blog post.
I came up with a series of questions, which Leah (LC) and I (JM) both answered, basically stating what’s wrong with dating, how it could be better, etc. Hopefully, this gives you — the reader — insight, and/or makes you feel less alone. Who knows? Maybe this inspires a conversation with someone else, slowly sparking a positive change. Keep scrolling for the Q&A.
What do you hate about dating in today’s world and why?
JM: I hate that people don’t have manners anymore. Ghosting is seen as so normal and almost accepted in society, and I fucking hate it. I wish people were more direct and honest. I’m the type that if I’m not feeling someone, I’ll kindly let them know instead of just ghosting them. The truth may hurt, but I love and respect straightforwardness so much.
LC: I hate the rules that come with dating. Don't get me wrong, there should be boundaries put in place when you're dating someone or multiple people — be smart, stay safe. However, there are too many rules put in place when getting to know someone. Who should pick up the check? When to text back? Will my outfit give off the wrong idea? Do I look thirsty if I send a text too quickly? Should I post a subliminal message on Instagram so they'll reach out to me? What if they don't drive? What if they have roommates and I want to come over? What if my friends don't like them? What if? What if? What if? Rules. Rules. Rules. It's exhausting.
Do you think it’s harder to date now versus years ago?
JM: 100%. I think social media plays a big part in this. Everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side. But in reality, the grass is greener where you water it. I also think that dating is harder now because nowadays, women are way more independent than they were years ago, which I love. Today, a woman may want a partner, but she doesn’t need one.
LC: HELL YEAH. It's harder to date now — definitely. But, for various reasons. I was talking to my grandmother about her being with my grandfather from 15 years old, up until he died in 2020. They had been together for over 60 years and all it took was for him to show up at her door and say, “You’re my girl.” I also think it was easier back then because women didn’t have a lot of options and chances to go out and explore those options. They were confined to their generation and rationale that women were the homemakers, they were to stay and home and take care of their children and spouses. Marriage was always the goal back then. Now that we have more options, we’re not in the place of settling for less anymore. I’ve been told that I’m picky, and I really don’t care. I’m not tolerating B.S., which has made it harder for me (and probably other women) to date.
In your opinion, what’s wrong with men in today’s generation or men’s courting style?
JM: I wouldn’t say chivalry is dead, but it’s becoming extinct. I love gentlemen, and maybe it’s also because they’ve become so rare these days, which is so sad. Someone who is kind and respectful and doesn’t think with their penis shouldn’t be difficult to come by in the dating scene, but it is.
LC: I think there’s a lack of empathy. There always was, really. I think some men also want the quick satisfaction of sex, so they jump to that as quickly as possible before getting to know a woman for her mind and soul. Since sex is the ultimate goal, it’s like — in their mind — why bother with the other hullabaloo? SOME MEN, I will emphasize that.
What do you consider red flags? What about icks?
JM: I hate inconsistency. The way I see it is we’re grown adults. Are we doing this or not? Because I have things to do. I also really dislike someone who doesn’t hold themselves accountable. I hate it when someone has a “that’s just the way I am” mentality. If you’re not open to growing, changing, and improving, I will not give you the time of day. Icks? Hmm. Bad grammar and bad hygiene.
LC: I have A LOT. Some are because of dating; some are because I have very low patience. Excuses are an ick for me. I hate excuses. If you don’t like me, you don’t like me, but don’t blow smoke up my ass if you want to cancel or can’t make a date. I also hate love bombing. Please don’t call me “baby” or “my love” within only three seconds of meeting each other. Negging is another one. Also, this goes to my point above, speaking too quickly about sex or “turn ons” without even having a first date is a surefire way to get blocked from my phone. Do better.
What do you wish guys knew or were better at regarding women?
JM: I feel like a lot of men say women are sooo hard to figure out. And while I admit, we’re more complex than men, it isn’t that hard to make us happy. For instance, you like a girl? Being confident, funny, and respectful will get you very far regardless of what you look like. If you fucked up and want to apologize, just keep it real, address the issue, hold yourself accountable, say you’ll change/improve, and actually prove it with actions over time assuming she’s even going to give you a second chance. Or better yet, don’t fuck up in the first place. If you don’t want it done to you, don’t do it to others. If you want to keep a woman happy, give her lots of reassurance, be spontaneous, be thoughtful, spice things up from time to time, and have uncomfortable conversations that help the bond and relationship grow. Obviously, these suggestions aren’t going to solve all your dating/relationship issues, but it’s a start. Women want a man that feels like he was written by a woman (think romance books and rom-coms).
LC: Courting! I think men (some men) are too focused on getting played for their money. I wish they would stop thinking like that. We’re not out for your money. We just want to meet someone new just like they do. Again to my point about rules, too. Who picks up the check? Personally, I don't care. I feel like we put too much emphasis on the type of lavish dates we should go on instead of just getting to know that person. We’re too fixated on taking food pics for the ‘Gram instead of focusing on the person in front of us or next to us. But, yeah, courting. Speaking to women with more respect, too. Stop calling your girl a “bitch.”
What are some green flags when getting to know a guy?
JM: I love a man with a great sense of humor, also someone who’s driven, emotionally intelligent, open-minded, and family-oriented. I always say, if we can have fun doing boring stuff like grocery shopping at Walmart (which I fucking hate), then that’s a green flag. If he goes to therapy and/or is always doing inner work, MAJOR green flag for me. I also want someone who gets me on an emotional level. I want someone who inspires me to be the best version of myself and vice versa. Someone I can look at and say, “he’s my best friend.” Kudos if he has a great sense of style and similar taste in music because I’m a sucker for that.
LC: OMG, HUMOR! And good humor, not just poking fun at someone or something or “negging” (see: icks). If you can make me laugh, you got me. Also, kindness. Not just being “nice.” Being kind, being thoughtful, and being respectful will get you a long way with me. And my own personal green flag for a guy: if he can sing any DCOM musical with me, I’m here for it.
What’s the best dating advice you’ve heard/gotten?
JM: When I was 17, my dad told me, “If a man truly wants you, you’ll never have to wonder,” and that’s always stuck with me. Another one I like that I recently saw somewhere online was “Become the person you’d want to date.”
LC: “Don’t be the ‘cool girl.’” Essentially, don’t be the girl that’s cool with everything. If something bothers you, speak up!
What’s the best lesson you’ve learned through dating/relationship experiences?
JM: Nothing is ever a waste of time if you learn from it. People tend to fixate on something coming to an end and say they wasted their time just because it didn’t go somewhere or last forever. If an experience or relationship gave you perspective or taught you something, then it’s not a waste. Something else I’ve learned when dating is to always go with your gut feeling.
LC: Don’t let people pressure you into dating or being in a relationship. Take your time, it’s okay to be single. Everyone feels lonely, whether they’re in a relationship or not. Surround yourself with a good community, get in touch with yourself. I’m not saying love is going to smack you in the face tomorrow, or you’ll find it when you least expect it — because that’s B.S. Being single is not a crime; it’s not a death sentence. Love where you are now.
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I was so excited for this!