How the Months Leading to My 30th Birthday Sent Me Into the Most Necessary Downward Spiral

And working out was like post-nut clarity for my mental health.

I turned 30 less than three weeks ago, and it’s been fine. However, the months leading up to my birthday were a rollercoaster. Not the fun kind. It’s the kind that makes you nauseous and question every single life choice you’ve ever made because you’re dramatic and feel like crap. Like you’re waiting in line at Six Flags all day long, and it’s finally your turn to get on the ride that you think will be such a thrill, but instead, you’re now sick and wondering why the fuck you were excited to hop on this ride, or in my case, I asked myself, “Why was I so excited to grow up?”

It all started when I was born. Ha, just kidding. The downward spiral, at least this recent one, started last June. I was at the height of my career, or so I believed because I had just interviewed Bad Bunny — one of my favorite artists ever. I felt unstoppable. But by the end of the month, I got laid off from my job at Hypebae where I was a news editor for nearly two years. Before summer ended, I got my heart broken by a guy I had invested time and feelings into.

On top of that, I was dealing with some personal family matters. Everything was happening at once. I fell into a deep depression and kept telling myself, “Things will start to look up once [blank] happens.” But that didn’t happen.

I felt like life was forcing me to be uncomfortable and to learn how to embrace it. I’ve always been a perfectionist and the kind of person who always knows what they want, but this was the first time in years I felt lost and was questioning everything.

The pressure of turning 30 wasn’t helping. I previously had this image in my mind of what I believe my life should’ve looked like by now, and this new image was a little wonky. The reality is that I was bringing all these negative feelings onto myself by obsessing over comparison and “should have been” situations. I thought, “Damn. I don’t have a full-time job. My personal life is messy. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel unhealthy — physically and mentally. This isn’t what my life is supposed to be like at 29. I hate all of this.” And at the time, I just felt sorry for myself. Then one day, it hit me — I did have control over some stuff. So I decided to make a lifestyle change because I just got sick of my own shit.

In early December, I began working out, and the only way I can describe it is consistently going to the gym made me look at life differently. Working out was like post-nut clarity for my mental health. No, really. After I began working out consistently, I saw everything so clearly and couldn’t understand how I had been living the way I was before.

A few years ago, I lost about 50 pounds and gradually gained most of it back because my eating habits and mental health weren’t the best. During that time, I was a high-functioning depressed person. This time, I was on a mission to change that, become the best version of myself possible, and maintain those core values for the rest of my life. Well, I’m trying, and so far, it’s been going pretty damn well thanks to all the life lessons and therapy, which I started going to last year and have since stopped since I’m in a much better place now.

My 30th birthday celebration

Spiraling during those months taught me that something good always comes out of the storm even when you feel like you’re drowning. Perspective is everything. I began looking within and changing my habits and mindset. I’ve grown a lot these last few months, and it’s all because I’ve formed better habits through discipline, which is something I had previously struggled with throughout my entire life. So, to challenge myself and prove to myself that I am capable of being disciplined, I set some new personal goals in different areas of my life.

Working out and eating better was one of them. I told myself I wouldn’t drink alcohol until my birthday, and I successfully stuck to that, making it a total of six months sober. I decided to swear off men and fight off temptation. I just wanted to take this time to heal, make myself happy again, and be selfish with my time, and now I’m so grateful for it.

Now, I’m happier even though the circumstances of my life haven’t changed much. But I’ve changed so much internally. Because I kept those promises to myself, I now trust myself more, and I believe in my ability to figure out whatever life throws at me. I still don’t have a full-time job, and I’m no longer hard on myself over it. I’ve taken this time to freelance, which is so unstable but in many ways, it’s made me learn how to welcome the unknown and it has built character. This also happens to be the longest time in a while that I haven’t been involved with anyone romantically, and though it can sometimes get lonely or boring, I feel at peace with myself. I like and respect myself more and because I’ve taken this time for myself, my standards are even higher than before. And I like it. I enjoy gatekeeping myself and my awesome personality. I’m only giving access to those who truly work for it. And that’s why now I’m open to dating again and even better, I’m excited to put myself out there.

Working out has led me to be healthier — physically and mentally. Losing 22+ pounds so far just happens to be a cool bonus, if you ask me. I feel stronger, sexier, healthier, happier, and more confident, and that’s exactly what I wanted to feel like on my 30th birthday, and it happened. So while, yes, downward spirals suck, they can sometimes lead you to become the best version of yourself — that’s if you let it. And I did.

This time in my life has taught me that it’s OK to embrace the mess. After all, that’s part of what makes us humans. It’s more than OK to be scared and not have it all figured out. No one does. Some of us are just better at hiding our problems, so let go and make the best of the chaos and rollercoaster that is life. Now, I’m on a ride that I don’t want to get off.

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